Signs of the Apocalypse (or Rather I'm Tired)

You know you're tired when you just want to bitch slap in a real half ass way every person you see. Your grandmother (sweet, kind, loving, delicate, elderly grandma) could get a smack if she got in the way.

Here are the signs to help you all realize when I'm too tired to function:

1. Everything you say to me will be taken as an insult (yeah, eff you too).
2. Puppies and kittens are NOT CUTE.
3. I agree with mostly everything you say unless you're pissing me off and then I will randomly pick something to disagree with you and battle you to the death over how correct I am.
4. Sleeping becomes the best thing to do everywhere. I can sleep on the train, in the rain, at my desk,  during a burlesque...
5. Silence is the only acceptable sound on the planet.
6. I have zero nice/kind things to say about anyone.
7. My eyes are open, but not really.
8. You hear me snoring and my eyes are wide open.
9. I've got a dazed look on my face and I'm drooling (check to make sure I didn't have a stroke either).
10. I'm rubbing my eyes.

There you have it, my Top Ten signs of the apocalypse I mean, that I'm tired. Can I go to bed now?

Help Me, Not Hate You So Much

From http://www.worldwidehippies.com/?p=1342

Everyone that knows me, knows I have a distaste for the hipster. After reading a couple of articles about what hipsters are and why it seems the world hates them I came to a conclusion. I can no longer hate on the hipster, hating the hipster places me one step closer to the thing I despise and that will not happen, not on my watch.

There is no clear cut definition of what a hipster is, some say a groupie of the latest trend (hence the name), others say people who long to go back to a simpler times (record players, Buddy Holly glasses, grandpa sweaters, listening to NPR on the radio and such), there are others still who say they are searching for their own niche while combining other genres (skinny jeans, v neck shirts, PBR drinking, layers of scarves, Bieber hair, steam punk items, antiques obtained from raiding grandpa's closet), yet all agree they hate things passionately and they always know where the "IT" place or are telling others where they should go to eat, drink, watch a play, etc. and in general display snobbery of things deemed uncool.

From http://41hebrewcat.wordpress.com/2010/06/20/hipsters-in-the-mist/

Another article called "Geeks Versus Hipsters" talks about the two groups and they wrapped up saying that hating hipsters is like reverting back to high school. Oooo burn! That stung. Yes, sometimes it takes someone (sometimes a stranger writing an article) for me to be enlightened.

However, there are times when those smug faces telling me where I should be eating, what I should be doing just makes me snap and I want to scream, "THAT OUTFIT LOOKS RIDICULOUS ON YOU AND YOU'RE NOT THAT INTERESTING!" It's like when vegans scold you for eating a hamburger by passive aggressively telling you how much fat and cholesterol is in it and what cattle farming is doing to the environment. Yeah, I get it, but I don't eat it every day so back off ahole. I digress.

There are so many articles about hating hipsters, but hating them just makes us sound like one and that is counterproductive. So I'm shelving my future book "Hipsters Are a Sign of the Apocalypse" and stepping down from my high horse of Hipster hating.

This does not excuse skinny pants, v neck shirts on men, Bieber haircuts OR wearing glasses that are non-prescription (that's just stupid). Cut me some slack, change takes time.

Curiouser and Curiouser

Today during my lunchtime break I was chowing down, reading Facebook posts when I stumbled upon Felicia Day's post about pictures from outer space. These pictures are quite fascinating and then my mind started churning and wham, bam thank you ma'am I'm thinking about the Rosetta Stone. After reading about it, I came to the conclusion, I want a stele. That's right.

I want a monument, but not a grand scale, maybe 4 feet tall, 16 inches in diameter. Something slate gray and smooth. What would I put on my stele? Great question. First it would be my bio, a carving of myself during a period when I looked the best (of course) and then some made up stories of grandeur. It's my stele, I'll lie if I want to. My stele will be less phallic than the one below and better done, of course.

What would you put on yours?

Stele of Hammurabi

Miss Manners Presents...How Not to Look Like an Ahole at Dinner

Here are what I feel a few suggestions that I think some people may have forgotten about.

Now I know people are going to go, "What?! (Who) these are not that bad. In fact I do them." To that I respond, "Yes they are and I know you do." It's kind of like the nose picker who turns their head thinking no one can see them doing it, we can. This is not assuming you are trying to purposely look like an asshole, we all have ticks. Mine is voicing my opinion constantly, I'm half-heartedly working on that.

Things That Make You Look Like an Asshole at Dinner:

• Taking calls at the table
• Constantly looking at other people instead of engaging with the people you're dining with
• Playing with your mobile phone, whether this is text messaging or even playing a game
• Grooming yourself at the table, there's a bathroom, go use it
• Picking food off my plate while I'm eating from it
• Tipping poorly, don't look to see what someone else tipped if the bill is split, tip your 15 - 20% or more unless service was horrible

The Rationale: 
Courtesy Factors
 When you do the first three items you're basically telling the people you're with that their company is not either engaging enough for you, you are throwing them a bone even being in their presence, or they are just not that important. I'm going to tell you this now, your crap stinks cause your farts keep giving you away. You are not that important that you as a person can afford to lose friends and lose friends you will. It's only a matter of time before anyone of substance will no longer tolerate this kind of behavior and stop associating with you. Imagine if you will the shoes were reversed.

Plus, when you do these things it's being quite anti-social and why did you even agree to have a meal with anyone if that's what you're going to do? Save your money, time and energy and make a sandwich at home.

Don't Be Rude Factors
The fourth and fifth points just gross me out when people comb their hair where I'm eating and I don't gross out easily. I don't need your dandruff peppering my food. As for eating off my plate, this will practically get you an entire meal for free AND I will never eat with you again. Here's why, you made a decision about what you wanted to eat, so did I. Just because you chose poorly doesn't mean I should have to offer up my plate to you. This is not to say if I offer up my plate for you to sample or partake of that you cannot. This is either asking me for a "bite" or just plain ole grabbing food off my plate. Do me the courtesy of offering it to you if I feel inclined. Rude.

As for the last point about tipping, don't go to dinner if you can't afford to tip the people who are serving your food.

Just because I put dinner doesn't mean any meal doesn't apply.

This has been lovely, but I have work that requires my attention.

Muse, Oh Sweet Muse...Where Did You Run Off To?

Over the past four years something happened, ok maybe a lot has happened over that time. I moved, started/finished grad school, lost/found jobs, made/lost friends, lost/gained weight (this one pisses me off), weddings, births and funerals. Life.

I fancied myself as a creator, I liked to make/write things. Even as a kid I would write stories, act them out with my Barbies and even built my own wagon to carry my stuff around the backyard in. As an adult I wrote still, nothing to be published, but because it was something I felt I needed to do. Whether it was poetry, short stories, or a badly written screenplay, I did it.

McBossy and I even created Rules to Friendship in our early to mid twenties when we felt that some of our friends needed a manual on how to be a decent friend. It's hilarious and one day I'll post it out. Then the Monthly Bitch came in newsletter format and eventually the blog. Letters to friends on both coasts, back and forth, keeping in touch with everyone.

Then suddenly it feels and as I look back it seems even it was like BAM! No more.

Maybe grad school sucked out all my creativity, maybe.

I used to get great ideas or ideas of stories I would write when I had the time. I had to carry around a notebook so I could scribble them down when they came to me. Now...nothing. If there's such thing as a muse, she's run off to be with someone else, tramp. If it's me, that's even scarier. How does one get inspiration again? If it's gone for a certain period of time does it ever return? What if I can never write anything longer than a tweet again? Is creativity like dreaming? I can't remember the last time I woke up remembering a dream. Is it just me?

My Emmy Predictions

Since I am so over who LeBron signs with and the Emmy noms have been released today I'm going to make my predictions. Look for the RED BOLD font as to who I think will win. Now, there are some that I blindly picked, like Drama...really? Drama? No. However, comedy...if I didn't pick Glee or a Glee cast member it's because another was WAY more deserving.

Drama Series
Breaking Bad
Dexter
The Good Wife
Lost
Mad Men
True Blood

Comedy Series
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Glee
Modern Family
Nurse Jackie
The Office
30 Rock

Lead Actor in a Drama
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights
Hugh Laurie, House
Matthew Fox, Lost
Jon Hamm, Mad Men

Lead Actress in a Drama
Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer
Glenn Close, Damages
Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Mariska Hargitay, Law and Order: SVU
January Jones, Mad Men

Supporting Actor in a Drama
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Martin Short, Damages
Michael Emerson, Lost
Terry O'Quinn, Lost
John Slattery, Mad Men
Andre Braugher, Men of a Certain Age

Supporting Actress in a Drama
Sharon Gless, Burn Notice
Rose Byrne, Damages
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Archie Punjabi, The Good Wife
Christine Hendricks, Mad Men
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men

Lead Actor in a Comedy
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm
Matthew Morrison, Glee
Tony Shalhoub, Monk
Steve Carell, The Office
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

Lead Actress in a Comedy
Lea Michele, Glee
Julia LouisDreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Toni Collette, United States of Tara

Supporting Actor in a Comedy
Chris Colfer, Glee
Neil Patrick Harris, How I Met Your Mother
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men

Supporting Actress in a Comedy
Jane Lynch, Glee
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Holland Taylor, Two and a Half Men

About Susan

Last night I went to Rogers Park (the most north east neighborhood in Chicago) to the BoHo Theatre to watch Saren in Ghosts. I get there early so I can get a seat that's not front row because it's awkward when you know someone on stage and they can read your every expression. Pass.

I sit down and this party of four sit in the row in front of me. Being a small theatre (six rows of five seats) we're going to be part of an intimate audience. The woman with brown hair (Brown) starts talking about Susan.

Susan moved to L.A.,  not for acting reasons I soon found out. Woman was sitting in between Brown and a man with a ponytail (PonyBoy) who at that point says, "she'll be back, they always come back." PonyBoy tells Brown that she owes him $2. Brown asks for what. PonyBoy soon reminds her of the bet they made about Susan's boyfriend. The bet was that he would not make it as a famous sports writer. Brown shakes her head. PonyBoy reiterates that he is in fact and will never be a famous sports writer now. Brown states, "well of course not he's dead."

Brown and PonyBoy tell the story of Susan's boyfriend's tragic demise to Woman. PonyBoy did not like Susan's choice in men and in fact was not entirely broken up over the fact that he was dead. He was afterall "terrible to her" and not a very good person. Brown reminds him he died of a heart attack while driving, it was heart disease that did him in, it was all very sad. PonyBoy perks up at hearing the words "heart attack". "It wasn't heart disease that killed him, it was the coke. They always say heart disease, but it's usually something else. Like when my father died of heart disease, it was actually suicide." Woman appears stunned, let's be honest so am I.

Brown continues that she went to see Susan after she moved to L.A. they started to make plans to meet up, but Susan just stopped returning the messages. She thinks maybe it was too soon and that seeing her would remind her of what she left behind. They all nod their head in agreement.

Woman says, "so he died of the car crash?" Brown, "no, he was dead before the car crashed, he had an enlarged heart." PonyBoy, "coke tends to make everything enlarged. It was the coke that killed him. So you owe me $2." Brown, "I paid for drinks, so I owe you nothing." PonyBoy, "true."

Susan's a real person, this conversation actually happened 10 minutes before the play started. I feel really bad for Susan and I hope she's doing well in L.A.


The play Ghosts was really great. I enjoyed it a lot and so did PonyBoy who said my roommate was, "really good and the best in the play."